Notes on scenes from Jerry Stahl's phenomenal memoir, intended solely to benefit those who have read it and wish there was some sort of index, table of contents, or scene spotter.
Bullets • represent double-space breaks between sections, and dashes – delineate scenes/ideas within a section. I tried to use triple-bullets • • • or • • • where they appear in the book. Smaller triple-bullets • • • appear to be nothing more than a double-space section break that occurred at a page break, and so might not appear in non-Process editions of the book.
| PROLOGUE. Here & Now | |
| 3 | Testicular cystectomy & diapers – How I slipped into this abyss |
| I. Low End Hollywood | |
| 9 | Tempted to be clever – Wrong situations – Marriage/fame • Odd-looking woman – Green Card love • Medicine cabinet pirate – Jag rats • • • Sandra's parents & grands – Late for wedding – Janine – Divorced • First porn – Dagmar – Hollywood Blvd. – Dope v. Booze • Dagmar's husband • Dagmar's opium enema • • • Finding a chapel – Pia Piarina – Jerry's laughing fit • Loads – Jehovah's witness • • • Mom attempts suicide – Washing blood from Mom's condo |
| II. Mondo Porno | |
| 37 | Adams porn class – 1st gig at Beaver Magazine – Real World – Showed mom • Yoga puking – Zoe the yoga wraith – Caught! • Under the ballet bleachers – Rabid bulimia sex • • • Dr. Ronzoni – Dehydrated – St. Vincent's • Two green interns (not syphilis) • Columbus, OH – Hustler Magazine – "Sparky" – Acu-Jac • PeeWee's farts – Larry & Althea – Lance Berman – Flynt party – Log cabin – Flynt is born again • Columbus to California – Frank Dalia – Zig |
| 58 | Agent calls: Laurence Fishburne is interested... |
| III. Television Virgin | |
| 65 | 1st TV: You Again? – Father's advice • Jack Klugman • Acres of scripts • Screenplayitis – Money v. Creativity – Freelancing for Alf – 100 Page Virgin • Dinner parties – Karen Powers – Dita deals from home – Miguel – Rosa – Managing problems with Sandra • Mickey Rourke and posse – Rourke's rage – Sally: real pain • • • (p85) Hooked on conformity – Channellers – Hole in my aura • Gina Wendkos • CAA – Dita hits the rock – Jerry hits it too, shoots – Mexican roses • • • Mom always drove • Vegetarian, health nut • House hunting – The bunny-clutching, foot odor guy • • • Cartoon cactus • House O' Unhappy Marriages – Dexedrine & Hycodan syrup – "We should take it!" • Moving day – Mr. Fishman's wife got out |
| 106 | Recurrent dream: Injecting my father's face into my arm |
| IV. Kiddieland | |
| 111 | Dad/Dog suicide – Childhood: Pottstown, PA – Dad's famous – Lady babysitters – Mrs. Neugabine – Jujubee nips! – Parental horrors: Dad's rage – Mom's threats about underwear stains – Dad's reserve duty, Ft. Jordan, GA – Throwing shit at guard soldier – Turkey baster enema • Brookline neighborhood – Dad's Russian, Lithuanian history – "He never had a father and I never didn't" • Doomed by his greatness – Lord's prayer in kindergarten – Brookline vs. Mt. Lebanon – Denny Holmhoffer hand-holding incident • Birth defect – Hip – Dr. Tyne • • • Dad, grilled by Senate Judicial Committee – Wolfeboro, NH: Sipes gets me started – Hill School |
| 133 | Selby's advice: Writer, or snitch? |
| V. TV I. V. | |
| 137 | Life on thirtysomething – Shooting heroin at work: The real rush is... – "Born To Be Mild" • • • Empty new house – The last peace in this house • • • Methadone • Telling Sandra... • Methadone clinic – Questionnaire • Exam – 1st dose • Methadone zone-out – 21 days, almost – Big Gus – Back off the wagon |
| 154 | After dinner score? No. Desiree lovingly diverts my attention. For now. |
| 157 | Lush backyard garden – Dilaudid routine – Filled with warmth for Sandra – Brought her breakfast! – Wring out the cotton • Gus's Pontiac – McDonald's with Gus & Clarice – Gus's best customer – Social distance – Jogging – Elysian Park – LAPD "could sure use some Jews..." • Moonlighting – Rondo Dicter – Dr. Wormin (child psych.) – Prozac – Dream: Dad's schwanz falls off & floats in toilet – Lunch at deli with Moonlighting guys – Exactly – ...rapid decline • Around the office – Creativity is the opposite of TV – Moonlighting writers • Leisure suit to Cybill's house • Bloody socks – Cybill's great! • Tommy the Xerox boy unloads • • • Communion with Colleen Dewhurst • Sandra's pregnant – "I'm sorry.." • To get high now would be immoral – Jerry tells Mom – " So you're adopting?" |
| 194 | Mom's rambling, incoherent, accusing phone call – F*** ALL OF THEM!! |
| 199 | Scrabble: Adjal – "I have to go downstairs..." • Sandra drives me to Cedars-Sinai • • • Nurse Jinx has been there – MD shot into his crank • Stay until you sleep – "Honey, you're going to die" – TREXAN – NARCAN test – Clean • Sandra looks terrible – Weed • Farting to get off TREXAN – Using again • • • It's all true... March 31, 1989: Labor – Scrubs – Bleeding – Birth (believe it or not, I was there) – Sandra's courage – Travesty |
| VI. Huggies 'n' Heroin | |
| 217 | Booker – Eric Blakeney – "You can arrive by noon" |
| 220 | Nina's kiddie video: Big Bird Visits The Hospital! |
| 222 | Junkie fatherhood's positive logic • Nina had to be more adored • Taking baby to drug den • Ran red light – Pulled over – Cop sees rig • Sandra take Nina to U.K. • • • Dogboy & Darlene – Buprenex – Northern Exposure – Sandra & Nina come home • Sandra's ATM card is cut off • Jerry snuggles up to sleeping Dad – "This is all I can give you: you are loved." • Chloral hydrates to sleep through self-detox – Hallucination: Paramedic looks like a fisherman – Sandra kicks Jerry out |
| 237 | Playing with Nina – Dancing – Blocks – Nina: "Don't knock the houses down Daddy, we're all together there, and that's where I want to live." |
| VII. Toxic Exile | |
| 245 | Jerry, a pissing, puking mess, crawls to the car – 7-11 Sikh attack • Matilda won't let him in but does give him dope • Cooking dope with spit and navel lint in Von's parking lot • "Terrorized" on crack – Tina – Kicking cold turkey on Rinse's floor – Mitchell Froom donates 6 grand – "Be a man" – Stealing cough syrup • Seemingly indestructible, career chugs along – Uncle Somebody – Tom Patchett – Worthless again • • • (p260) Glass walled apartment – Switched to cocaine – Grade school across the street – Staying at Jesus's (hay-zoos) place – Jesus's secret stash – Freebasing with Jesus & Felix • Heading home – Shooting coke • • • (p269) David Lynch's people call – Twin Peaks script meeting – Coke doesn't work now – "Hey! My father was a judge guys!" – "Jerry's sharing!" – ...no draft to give the messenger • • • (p272) Sammy & Ruleena – Stealing crack in South Central (shotgun blast) – Cedars again – Dr. Bob – "You're going to Phoenix" • Arizonans are leathery – "Clutch a Bible so we can spot you" – Joke probation – Gamy Martin, the chess master – Camera shop – Can't get a job – Buford – McDonald's • Wendy Wa's bad "attitu" – We'll own our own McDonald's! Yeah! • Training videos – Bob Beaver – Hash |
| 308 | Dope is the safer bet. It will never break you heart...like a child will. |
| 310 | New city, new life – Calling Kitty – "F***ing a**hole" – Mitchell's again – Tempted by Towner • • • (p312) Occupation: Non-drug user – Have to be strongest when you're weakest • Playing with Nina at Sandra's – Wanting to visit Towner's • CAA calls – Wes Craven – Long and anxious bus ride – Smart ass security guard • Meeting Wes – Confessing to Meely • Nightmare Cafe – meeting drudgery – Bought a car, drove to Phoenix – Cabbie helps me off the wagon... – Coffee with Eric Blakeney – Soul searching: "he most boring scene in the world!" – Eric &Tina offer their place • No bathroom – Back to Towners – Strung out after two weeks – Back to Phoenix • ODing on aspirin, but not telling Kitty • Kicking cold turkey via non-stop sex • All next day too – Forgot to turn off the shower – Weeks of hanging on – How can you stand me? • • • (p334) Towner deals via UPS – Kitty knows – Dump stash – Retrieve stash – Smoked it all • 90 days clean (Nov. '91) – Visiting Kitty's folks in Scottsdale – Newshound – Investigating 'Smart Drugs' for Playboy – Steve Randall – Goodbye Kitty • • • (p340) San Francisco Hotel – Cobain – Meeting, chatting, buying and shooting with Tommy Johnson (Paco, Sister Betty) in the Tenderloin – Tommy hocked far more than just his horn – He traded it all • He just never made it • Smart drug meeting – John Morgenthaler – 286 to 386 – Raver wing – New Years Eve rave – Vasopressin • This fantasy has expired • Back to Phoenix & LA – Los Angeles Magazine – Mark Mothersbaugh (Red Scooter, no helmet, stopped by sensitive cop) – Stealing from Towner • Shooting up during LA riots • • • (p361) Convenience store – Looting Perrier? • Riots on TV – Buses aren't running – Herman gets a ride though – I'm out! – Kicking brutally in Eric's garage, and out – And on the 3rd day – Garden hose |